just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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