just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
