im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
