What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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