I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
