Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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