At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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