Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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