Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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