i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Houston, we have a squirter
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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