He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
