Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My bed smells like the plague
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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