i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
