My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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