It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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