did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
