Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
