I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
