My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
