he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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