final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
