so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
