SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
