My liver just broke up with me...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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