Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
