I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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