Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
