I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
