i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
