He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
