The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
