Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
