she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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