if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize