He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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