You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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