i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
