my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
