u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
