I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize