Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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