giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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