you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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