I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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