was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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