I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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