saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
