I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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