youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
