Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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