If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There r osticjed everywhere
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
