Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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