APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
