Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
