Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
