You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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