Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
