who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
