I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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