to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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