I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
