I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want nice things and good sex
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
