1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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