God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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