i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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